...Its been a while

I've not posted here for a long time but i'm going to try do it again.

Alot has changed since I posted last. Infact too much to mention.

A recent happening is someone i loved, a huge part of my life has let me down thoroughly. I'm not over exaggerating either. He gave me threats and even threatened my life and the life of my loved ones. Its horrible how someone can just turn on you. It does disturb me, because i still think about him and worry about his welfare but I know i really should forget about him. I've taken enough abuse - i've had mugs of hot coffee thrown at me, a crutch speared at me, a cigarette thrown at me. I've been spat at. Yes I still worry about him. I hate that I can't just switch off and move on. I've been doing so well lately with my depression but this set me back a little. I'm determined to get on and try get better though. I dont want to let this get me the way I was.

It really has been a while since i blogged, which is why this is really just a vent. It has no structure and probably hard to read.

I know who my friends are. I love my friends. I love my family.

Is it normal?

I think i over analyse everything these days. I read way too much into innocent things and think the worst. Why? Jeezo. It annoys me. Looking into some form of meditation. Need something to relax my brain. I have started back at the gym and feeling good for it but need to do something extra.

Look out for my letters blog to follow in next few days xx

Back from

Gym. Took it easy. Had am upset tummy. I will gradually increase my fitness levels and endurance.

So now im good. Made a toastie, even tho i didnt want to eat anything. I didnt really have anything yesterday so needed to refuel.

Going to go in a bath. Can smell the scent of Paul from him spraying this morning. I miss him. I miss the way we were. This moving in together has proven very difficult on us both. We need to chill out and get back to us. I feel i should shut my mouth and just get on with it, but its not in my nature to just let go. I found it very difficult to bite my tongue last night when so much was on my mind. Its not healthy to bottle up feelings. I am hurting and have the fear of failure in me.

I need cheering up. What can i do?

Well lets see if the bath works.

I cant

Deal with arguments or riffs! My brother didnt speak to my mum for abt 10 years and it broke my heart. I begged him everytime i saw him to make up with her but if was too stubborn to do so. Eventually i managed to get him to speak with her and thankfully now they are on good terms. I love people too much and i really am not able to deal with conflict very well. I want things resolved immediately or i find it terribly difficult to handle. It effects me emotionally. I am very stubborn in nature but i will always be the first person to make a truce (with the exception to gail come to think of it. She is the only person in my whole life to have made up with me. And not me doing the hard work). I just cant live in bad feelings. My dad and brother have lost touch.. Not fell out, just kinda were too busy for each other. Both are stubborn as oxs, but i will get them to talk.

If only i could work the same magic with my boyfriend. Everything is all over the place. Him and his mum are on edge (after a huge fall out). His mum cant stand me. She needs someone to blame for the arguments and her son leaving and i am target number 1. although im not in direct fire line, i feel i am because im not involved in the family. That to me, is just as hard to take as actually fighting. Maybe more because in totally helpless. Anyway if i could, i would love to make my boyfriend and his mum be totally fine, and for there to be no tiptoe'ing around each other.

Ive been reading the slip that comes with my medication prescribed by the doctor. I think im going to take them. I cant have conversations and make myself clear. It frustates me. I have no clear train of thought. Well thats wrong, i know what i want to say but i cant articulate it properly. I feel im pushing paul away but cant tell for sure as he doesnt talk to me. Im unapproachable and a moan.

I wish sometimes i would close my eyes and open them and for everything to be peachy.
So thats all for now. I guess.

Update on me

Went to the doctors today. Dr Smith. She is so nice. Best doctor I've ever had in my life. Luckily i've not had to use the doctors much, but she is the doctor of a sick friend and she treats him with genuine concern and responsability.

Anyway, She believes I am depressed. When I exclaimed I have no reason to be depressed - she made it clear to me. I've had a tough time in recent years. Had to deal with loads. When I had stress to deal with, it didn't faze me. I just tackled and fought it. Now I don't have that, my body is releasing the tension from my past. She is confident I'll get over it and encouraged me to go to the gym. Which is a bonus. I feel slightly better already. Because I can understand why I feel the way I feel. She knows i'm not hot on taking medication She asked me to speak with a councellor. I agreed. I never think that will help but you have to try things.

Mobile Phone Etiquette

Last night, as I lay in bed I feel agitated. By nothing really. I ask my boyfriend out of the blue - am I too boring for you?

His response is what leads to this blog. He said "Why? Coz I'm using my mobile!?"

I didn't even know he was using his mobile. But it did bring thoughts to my head - is it appropriate to use your mobile whilst in bed? I understand that times have changed and we do rely on mobile phones as communication but how much is too much?

Do we need to have the mobile tied to our wrists 24/7? Do we need to be constantly contactable? Do we need to always contact everyone else, just for keeping up appearances?

Ideally, I'd say no mobiles in bed. Infact, do as my dad does - turn it off at bedtime. Its not something that we can do just now, because we have no house phone installed in case of emergency, but I think in general, its fine for that.

Laying in bed hearing click click click or seeing the mobile phone light up the ceiling is disturbing in one point, but why on earth is it necessary to text/e-mail whilst in bed anyway? OK, its not always us. Sometimes its people who text or e-mail us but the reply can wait until the morning, no? That way, maybe they will learn text etiquette too?

I had a wee browse online for mobile etiquette and found a few interesting points to follow

1. Putting the person on the other end of the line on hold.

We all do it but that doesn’t make it any less rude every time that it happens. Focus on the conversation at hand or tell the person that you’re going to call them back later.

2. Badmouthing, gossiping and talking behind someone’s back.

You never know who is going to be listening to what you say on your cell; it could be the person you’re talking about or someone who knows them.

3. Talking on the phone while making a purchase.

Hang up before entering a store and call the person back when your purchase is complete. Give the cashier respect. Its just so RUDE!

4. Paying more attention to your phone than to the person that you’re with.

We all say that we know that this is rude. Like it or not, this sends the message to the people that we’re with that they just aren’t as interesting as what’s happening on the phone. Yes, even texting while out with friends is rude.

5. Talking way too loud in public.

When you’re out in public and the rest of the world is trying to conduct its business, your loud voice can get really annoying really quickly

6. Sharing your business with others

The reality is that there are certain topics that it’s rude to talk about in public. If you wouldn’t say these things directly to the strangers around you, why are you saying them in a place that they have to hear you?

7. Taking calls in inappropriate places.

Don’t answer your cell phone while you’re in a public restroom; it’s rude to the caller. Don’t spend an entire movie sending text messages to your friends; the people around you can hear you texting even if you think that you’re being quiet. Just because you always have your phone with you doesn’t mean that you always have to use it. Ask yourself if the place you’re in is really a good place to be taking a call.

8. Using your mobile phone’s camera without permission.

First of all, you shouldn’t take pictures of strangers out in public because it’s not only rude but can come off as downright creepy.

9. Throwing out old phones instead of recycling them.

This is the twenty-first century and if you’re being careless with your electronics then you’re being rude to the earth and all of the other people who have to live here. It’s wasteful. It has the potential to be dangerous.

10. Recording lengthy skits and songs instead of voice mail messages for those people who are calling you to sit through.

Sure, you think it’s cute that you’ve identified the perfect song for someone who is calling you. But frankly, most people would rather hear something short and to the point (such as “leave your message at the beep”) than to listen to a whole song. This is especially true if it’s someone who calls regularly and has heard your message a million times. Simple is sometimes the best way to go.


After reading that. How guilty are you of any of the above? I'm no saint and am guilty of all to an extent. But it needs to stop!

Been

In bed for almost 6 hours. Cant sleep. Cant make my thoughts make sense. Just wanna be wrapped up with my boy. Looking in his beautiful blue eyes.

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Panic

God, what a horrible afternoon after a nice morning.

Spent this morning with my dog. After this i went for a steam room. Very relaxing. Decided to try the sauna. Did so for about a minute. Dry heat is so horrible!

Anyway, i go get dressed and head to tesco for a few things for the house. Start by looking at valentine cards. At the corner of my eye i thought i seen someone i knew so i look face on. She didnt flinch so i assumed it wasnt her. But in my peripheral vision she lurked. So i bite the bullet and say her name. Phew. It was her. This is my boyfriends sister. Someone i care for alot. I had a bit of blurred vision thats only reason i was unsure. Anyway i felt most uncomfortable speaking with her which upsets me because i want to have a great relationship with her. She is my boyfriends absolute world. And because of that i want to be very close. Anyway it wasnt happening today. I stuttered and talked shit. She left and i kept looking for cards.
Finally i found one.

I walked a little and then realised i Couldnt walk anymore. Text my boy asked him to call. Whilst i was waiting i just looked blankly at the shelves. My breathing became difficult but not like an asthma attack. I felt like i was being choked. I had no air. I cried. In the middle of tesco. I tried to hide my face. Paul called and i told him. He reassursed me. His voice helped. But when he had to go i tried to walk to pay. I felt like my blood was being drained. I was going to faint. I stood still for longer. Eventally i got to the checkout. I kept my head down. Just wanted out. Some guy i used to work with had to start talking to me. All i wanted was to get out. Luckily i got served quickly and i left.

Home i went. Lit a couple of candles, ran a lavender bubble bath and lay in it a while.

I sent a text message to someone i fell out with but wish i hadnt because she will want to become best friends again and allthough i miss her friendship, i dont miss her interfering.

Right now i sit on my chair watching the news tell me that Rbs, where i currently work are paying off over 2000 staff. What a shame.

Im waiting for Paul to come home. Want a cuddle. I have fears that my feeling like this is too much. I fear if i dont stop this, he wont want to be with me. He is always there for me. I just dont want to add more stress to his life.

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All new Yahoo! Mail "The new Interface is stunning in its simplicity and ease of use." - PC Magazine
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It will be no surprise

that i'm off work sick right now.

I have days where I feel absolutely fine and then others, I feel totally muddled up. I feel like crying, I feel angry, I feel the whole world is against me. The days I feel fine, I think why do I ever feel bad.

Paul and I have moved into our new home. It honestly is ideal. Its quiet, its spacious. We have great decoration, its just perfect for our first home. The first few days were amazing, because Paul had them off work. We cooked and we chilled out together - something that was long overdue. Then the inevitable, Paul goes to work. I thought I would revel in the time on my own. No, I just thought too much and got myself upset about trivial things. I had visitors everyday, but also managed to clean, shop and cook. I like having visitors. I want all the important people in our lives to visit. I want them to be proud of what we have together. I want acceptance, I guess.

I need to put certain thoughts at the back of my mind but not entirely sure how to do it. I try, but they always seem to creep up to the front. I think the key is to always keep busy.

I've decided to blog my thoughts more regularly. I find it theraputic to get them off my chest. I know realistically that no one reads this, but its good for me.

Today, I think i'm going to go swimming and for a steam room, sort our my tv license and electricity, maybe a little shopping and a game of guitar hero (gotta get better at my hubby on something on xbox!)

Serenity rejoins me

Yesterday was a great day. I feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Why? Because my bf and I shared our fears and feelings about the present and the future.

When we talk. Properly talk, we really make a difference. I'm impressed by his maturity at times. For someone who has never lived outside his parental home, has never been apart from his mum for more than a week probably, he understands alot.

Moving in together will be great for us both but at the same time difficult. It will be difficult because its a huge change to what we already have and getting used to a new routine. Difficult because he will have to fend not only for himself but for me too, as opposed to having his mum do everything. It will be great because we will both have freedom; as individuals and as a couple. We will have privacy and comfort, which we have missed for a long time. We will never take for granted a roof over our head from now on.

So anyway, yesterday we tried something different. We went to the arches to see Alien Wars. It was quite fun, but very very short and so not worth the money. Afterwards we saw the 3D film (my first ever!!) My Bloody Valentine. It gave me a headache! But was much fun. We decided to watch another movie since we were up there already. The only one that fit in with time was Slumdog millionaire. Neither Paul or me were that bothered by it. We both, however, LOVED the film. I would recommend going to see it. Please go see it. Its a great film; great story and great acting.

Today I had work. Boring. Hoping for a new job soon. Have an interview on wednesday. I will try my very best in it. Not sure if i actually want it, but I will still give my best. I know one thing, when the bank makes a loss of over 8 billion pounds, things are going to get much tougher for us staff. Our bonuses and incentives will be taken away i'm sure.

So thats all for today. Lets hope my blogs are a bit cheerier from now on. I'm sick of the depression.

Tomorrow: I start to pack.

Lunch with J

Today I met with Jac. We're so alike. We go through similar experiences and share similar thoughts.

Jac is my closest friend and has been in my life the longest. She'll be there forever. We've gone through alot together and I want to share everything with her. I want to see her married and having a family. What a great nurturing mother she will be. God how whe change when we grow up. Haha 10 years ago we'd never be talking marraige and children. We hardly even talked about boys then!!

It seems my day gets spoiled always. Maybe i let it get spoiled. Maybe i torture myself.

I come home and my laminate floor now not only covered in dog hair, but covered in biscuit crumbs and shredded gloves. Wowee!! As soon as i step into the living room my dog proceeds to jump up on me, leaving my brand new jacket with paw prints from biscuit crumbs. TO make matters worse, V asks "What happened to the floor?"

HUH? You are sitting here! Shouldn't you be able to tell ME that? And WHY are you just sitting in this filth? WHY have you not brushed the floor? (these are my thoughts btw, not what i actually said. What i actually said could probably only be heard by dogs, because i screamed so loud in anger and frustration)


Anyway, I think i'm going to start with my packing next week. I move into my new home 2 weeks today. Jac made me realise that there is alot more work to do that I imagined. I've never moved home before. My whole 26.9 years of existence have been under one roof.

So I think i'm going to start firstly by shoving all my clothes in laundry bags, ready to take to laundrette (dont want my new house to be doggy at all). Then I'll round up the bedding/cushions that i'm taking. I dont have many "things". So I dont imagine it will take too long. But better to be prepared earlier to make moving day easier.

this should be

the happiest time of my life, but i want to cry 24/7

My bf and I are moving into our new home in 2 weeks. I should be relieved but i'm stressed out my box. I think my mind is working overtime, thinking things that are not even there.

Ive had a really crap couple of months. I've gone from doing everything with him to doing just about nothing. We go to the cinema. Thats it. So basically we are quiet. I get frustrated all the time. Its not fair on him. I feel i'm adding loads of stress to our relationship. I contemplate that he would be better off without me. I wonder why he is even with me when all i do is moan and complain.

We used to spend all our time together, go to bed at same time, even if it was in different beds, talk during the day, text (nice happy texts) throughout day, look forward to seeing each other when work was finished, eat dinner together, workout, play games or watch films, talk, kiss, make love, cuddle, fall asleep. We'd go drives to random places and spend hours chatting. Now, we drive to the cinema, watch a film, drive home. We talk in the car, obviously, but its nothing in comparison. I just feel its taken such a HUGE step back. Maybe we had too much too soon? Maybe I am far too needy.


But I feel I need more. More of everything above. I need an affection injection.

I hope I read this blog in a few months time and think back to how silly it sounds. I hope moving in together will bring all the love and affection back. I know both our stress levels will be reduced, due to our current living conditions, so hopefully all the other barriers will fall.