depressed

De - pressed -adjective 1. sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.

I feel its a total cheek for me to even think i'm depressed, but I can't help but think this way. I am feeling really low. Nothing in my life is going as i'd like. Its the truth, I want everything in my life to change. I dont have energy for any of it.

I should probably accept help offered by my doctor, but
1. I dont want to believe I need help
2. I feel others need it more than me
3. I dont really see what talking or medication can do for me, apart from making it worse.

I think I need a bit of sunlight. I might actually go for a sunbed - it has bright lights that make you feel better. Plus it might help my skin (the acne), which is upsetting me. I know sunbeds are dangerous, but i'm not going to use them excessively. I can't afford to!

There are times I just want to talk, talk talk and then others I want to be quiet and still. I never get what I want though. When I want to talk, no-one wants to talk. When I want to be quiet, everyone talks! It must be me! Whats wrong with me?

..well. Whata numpty I am.

Tonight Me and P head to glasgow ready for our film. I park my car in the parking lot and get my purse open so I can take my unlimited card out only to realise I left it in the pocket of my jeans I wore last time!! Damnit!!

We go in and I tell the girl, but she says they keep no records so I have to pay. £6.50!! What an idiot I am. TO make things worse the film wasn't all that. It had a reallybad ending. I guess the good points where the snuggles Paul gave me when he got scared haha.

Oh, the chinese food was amazing. Had it at 8pm. Its 3:30am now I'm really hungry. I'll wait until morning though. Only because I have no food to eat!

On the way home, it was snowing. Heavy. I hope I wake up to a blanket of white snow. That would be awesome. Had a nice close time with my boy tonight. Feeling the love

Let the good times roll

xx

Cineworld

Paul and I bought a membership to cineworld. Which, for £11.99 a month gives us unlimited viewings.

So far (in the past 10 days) we've seen

James Bond - Quantum of Solace
Max Payne
Zac and Miri Makea Porno
Pride and Glory
My Best Friends Girl

Not one film has been a disappointment.We've had such a good time there. We are going to the HUGE cinema in Glasgow, which I had never visited before I got the membership. I am very impressed. Very comfortable seats and huge screens. (toilets are nice and clean too - hey! if you need to go, you wanna go somewhere thats clean, right!?)

This evening, after we have a chinese and catch the tail end of X Factor, we're thinking of going to see Quarantine. Its a horror. So, that means I get extra snuggles haha!

Anyway, I'm off to get the chinese food now

xx

Coffee

Really fancy a coffee. Long conversations and relaxation. Coffee socks man.

H is for ...

Come home tonight to a sombre and hollow looking V. He's not been having a great time lately and I believe he needs professional help. He doesn't seem to want help. I think he'd happily leave this world right now. This scares me and upsets me at the same time. He is like this because of me. We used to be best friends. He has always been unwell, but in the past (i see this now), he lived his life through mine. He didn't have a life, no family or friends. No one, but me. Anything I did, he got involved in, even if its just because I told him about it - he felt involved. I consulted him for most decisions, which I guess made him feel in control.

These days I'm living my life for me. I may be being selfish, but its been far too long. I'm still young and I need to make my own decisions, make my own choices and even my own mistakes. I'm barely speaking to V nevermind involving him in anything in my life. I feel bad that I've gone to this major extreme, but I feel there was no other way. He was trying to decide my future for me, in an arrogant and aggressive manner. It's not on. I am my own person but for 10 years I lived my life through him and he lived his life through me - its unhealthy. We both need to be individuals. I guess that's the problem for carers around the world. Its far too easy to get overly involved in that persons life. I need to live my life for myself and that what I've been doing. Nevertheless i do not want to see him suffer. I want him to get help but he isn't having it. I don't know how to enforce it, because he has no quality of life right now at all.

I'm watching him right now, bleary eyed from a combination of insomnia and medication. He's smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee. He has no one to talk to but me. He is lonely and sad. He's lost his best friend.

I feel bad for him but I have to be selfish and think of myself for once. I just wish he would accept help from professionals. I wish he would accept that he is disabled!

home is where the heart is

House - a building in which people live; residence for human beings

Home
- The place in which a persons domestic affections are centred.

Right now, I'm not in a position to afford getting my own home. This means I'm living with my step-father. My house is a disgrace and I don't get that warm cosy feeling as soon as I enter it - the feeling a home should have.

I want to be able to look forward to coming home after work. Closing the blinds, put the heating/fire on and jump into my pyjamas. I want to cook a meal from scratch, and have it ready for my boyfriend coming home from work (or vice versa). I want to be able to curl up on the sofa with the love of my life and watch a TV series regularly, or watch a movie anytime I please. I want to have a comfy warm bed to go to at night, but to be able to fall asleep anywhere I please without fear. I want to be able to have sex whenever, wherever I choose. I want to put the washing machine on whenever I want and clean whenever too. I want to be able to come home after a long adventurous day out and have a bath with music playing and candles lit. I want to relax.

It's going to be a while before I have most of this. I'll need to make do with what I have.

Let me have a lottery win. Please.

Let me introduce..

I am reminded of... Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez in a certain movie about mother in laws.

"After years of looking for Mr. Right, Charlotte 'Charlie' Cantilini finally finds the man of her dreams, Kevin Fields, only to discover that his mother, Viola, is the woman of her nightmares. A recently fired news anchor who is afraid she will lose her son the way she has just lost her career, Viola determines to scare off her son's new fiancé by becoming the world's worst mother-in-law. While Viola's long-time assistant Ruby does her best to help Viola execute her crazy schemes, Charlie decides to fight back and the gloves come off as the two women battle it out to see just who is the alpha-female."

Mother wants to be Queen B. I don't want to take over though. I want a quiet life and to be left to live it. I'm not looking to be the alpha female. Yesterday, Paul and I head back home to collect family on our trip to The Drovers.

We got to his house and immediately I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't know what I can do to please his mum. Well I do, stay away from her son. Let her mother and smother him for the rest of his life. I dunno why I've not gelled with this "mother in law". I'm always good with peoples family, especially my partners. A later conversation with her, suggests she does want us to be together, but that she feels we're moving too quick. But what does she know? What does anyone really know? We are a couple. We are in a relationship of two people. We share everything together. She told me Paul had been seriously hurt before and she is only protecting her son. I admire that, but I feel she needs to let her son make decisions for himself.. to give him a little room to breathe and the power of choice. I tried to re-assure her, that I'm not a stupid little girl. That I am in love with her son. That I'd never hurt him. Ever. I shouldn't have to pay for someone else's mistake. Especially that of an ex.

The "Mother in law" gives grief to her daughters bf too. We had a chat and he made me feel a bit better about the situation. Its nice to know I'm not alone and that, there are ways to deal with it. Paul's dad, a very kind man, gave me reassurance too. I just need to "play the game" apparently. I definitely need to be stronger and thicker skinned.

I really don't think she knows me. I don't think she really wants to either. I think I need to accept that and just deal with the fact that she isn't as open as me and my family.

Argyll Hotel/ Lee Evans

Lee Evans

Went to the Lee Evans gig on Thursday night in the Glasgow SECC. My beau and I wanted to make a night of it, so booked the Argyll Hotel on sauchiehall street in glasgow.

Paul picked me up and then I drove to Glasgow. I love driving. It was all wintery and I had my hat n scarf on. All wrapped up. So the satnav takes us to the doorstep of the hotel. We shoot up to check in and ask about parking arrangements. As guests we could park in the customer parking bay at the back of the building. Free parking glasgow is unheard of!

Up to room 210. Its beautiful. Small, but clean and fresh. Everything we needed. The TV was an LCD, which was a surprise. Almost as soon as we got into the room, Paul knocked the lamp and burst the bulb. I called concierge (Sandy, a very pleasant chap indeedy) and he not only brought one up, but changed it and opened my bottle of wine! Sandy explained that our room was the Buchanan tartan. And that each room had is own tartan theme. I liked this. Very Scottish hotel, the carpets and paintings were all Scottish. It was a nice touch. Made me quite patriotic. I can imagine it being a novelty to travellers from all over too.
Paul and I had a wee munch, wee drink (erm, i drank the whole bottle before the concert - i don't even drink! I was a little tipsy but okay)

Sandy had given us directions on how to walk to the concert hall from the hotel. We were both surprised how close by it was! We got there and immediately went to our seat. Didn't want to bump into certain people we knew were going to be there. Secretly I hoped we did. But then its probably better we didn't.

Onto the gig. I've never been to a stand up comedy act and only recently was introduced to Lee Evans. OMG I was so not disappointed. My cheeks still hurt from the constant laughter and smiling! He has this very British sense of humour, that I like. Its crude but tasteful at the same time. The material he writes is so funny. We can all relate to it, which is why its so easy to get. He himself is a humorous man. His facial expressions and also his wee giggle sent the concert hall into one big belly laugh!

The concert was about 3 hours long. He came on for an encore and didn't disappoint. He did a mime of Bohemian rhapsody. He reminded me of a new age charlie chaplin in this.

Lee Evans seems a very genuine man. A family man and a man who is grounded. He made a point of signing autographs and shaking the hands of his fans. He probably would have cooked us all dinner too if he could. Overall, the gig was fantastic. We had great seats (thanks Paul xx), great laughs and great company.

At the end of the gig, we walked back to the hotel. Dying of thirst had a bit of irn bru and chilled out. Early morning. We got up had a nice shower and head down for breakfast. Yum. Lovely. I was most impressed by this hotel and would love to go back.

We check out, and head home to pick up family for journey number II ...

(pics coming soon)

The Ex Files

Can you and should you be friends with an ex?

That's a question that was raised between me and my friend at dinner tonight.

My friend's thoughts are, if you weren't friends with your ex before you were a couple, you shouldn't be friends after you break up. She believes this because when you chat with your ex, all you are able to do is reminisce about the past. I can see her point. You're always going to remember things you did together and that will either hurt you or bring back feelings. This is fine if you're both single I guess.

I think the answer to my question differs depending on a few things.
1. The reason you broke up
2. Your current relationship status
3. Your commitments

My friend G has a child to his ex. I think its important that they remain friends. Its important they communicate for the child's sake.

I don't and can't understand how ex's can be friends when the break up was messy. If one person cheats on you, they have totally disrespected you. They are not what is called a friend, never mind a partner. I cannot understand how that friendship could work. This is the conversation me and my girl, J had tonight. Her bf and my bf's ex's both cheated on them. Both have been emotionally scarred and in some way or form, their ex's want to be friends. Why? Why do that to someone and expect to have any form of contact. If someone were to cheat on me, they'd be cut out of my life forever. No second chance. No relationship, friendship, reminiscing, nothing. You lose your right to anything after that. Some people are just so toxic, that they think they want to be your friend, but in reality they just want to torture you. Or maybe its that persons way of making them feel better for betraying you? By offering a "gesture of friendship"

Relationships rarely end well, but if it was an amicable break up, then it might be possible to over time become friends. I think the key point there is time. In my opinion, you break up, you break up. You don't meet up and you definitely don't booty call.

If you want to be friends with an ex and your ex has a new partner, I think there are ways of making this work. Don't overpower your ex. Give them the space they need. Let their relationship flourish. If you find that difficult, then you haven't moved on and you are torturing yourself.

So, that's that.

Head clearing

Its lunchtime again. Im going for a walk. Need to sort myself out. Yesterday was difficult times. I heard an old school friend died and later that night found a family member tried to kill himself. So im mixed emotions. Angry because i feel he is extremely selfish for that. Upset because he feels he has nothing to live for. Confused because i dont really know how to handle it. I will revisit my feelings and blog then properly when on laptop instead of mobile.

Ive found myself on the esplanade. Its beautiful here. I could look out to the water all day. I feel blessed for alot of things. My own health, the love i have to give and that people share with me, the fact i have food and shelter. I live in a beautiful country.

I have a lot to be thankful for xx

Credit crunch

Times are tough these days, financially. I'm beginning to feel the effects
of the credit crunch and am trying to work my money smarter. Only yesterday
I noticed the price of petrol unusually low and decided to take advantage
and get double what we normally get. Just incase it decides to plummet sky
high again.

With the current credit crunch, I often wonder, are we really going into
recession? The government have bailed out the majority of the high street
banks. Are we going to be a communist country eventually? I love to listen
to people's stories - in particular the older generation e.g. my
grandmother. I remember her telling me stories about ration books. How they
saved up for things like rice to make a treat that is rice pudding. Times
were much tougher back then, yet they didn't ever complain about having no
money. Basics were even difficult to achieve. People back then appreciated
what they had more, in my opinion. I think these days, greed and
self-indulgence have taken over content and responsibility. We are no longer
satisfied with the essentials; we take for granted that we have them!

I am as guilty as the rest; I want the latest mobile phone, to buy new
clothes instead of mending the ones I have and to buy a subway sandwich
instead of making my own. Everything seems easily disposable.

Whatever currency you use, we are basically throwing our money away.

What's your reason

for blogging?

For me, Its an open diary. It gives me space to put into words, the thoughts diving through my head. I'm having fun just now with random posts. I can blog from my mobile, which means if i see something interesting I can send a quick message to my blog for an update.

So aren't diaries supposed to be secret and personal? Yes, but I like the fact my diary is an open forum to random people around the world. Similarly, I enjoy reading others thoughts and seeing others viewpoints. It's especially interesting because it shows our different cultures and lifestyles. I am a member of a well known social network anddon't blog on that. The reason I don't is because its all people I know that will be reading. Does that sound odd? I just feel I can express myself fully to the world and I can be totally open and honest about things without having to worry what so-and-so would think.

Anyway, blogging. Its my online diary. I'll no doubt read back in a few months and have a giggle and how random some of my posts are. Who knows, maybe i'll be the next bridget jones? (bring back the grannie pants!)

"Attempted" Bank Robbery

Fear –noun

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Don't worry, I'm alive and well and the bank didn't dish out any unnecessary monies.

The story goes like this. Its a busy afternoon in the bank. Its queued out to the door. I'm serving a customer when this gentleman from the queue walks to my colleague, puts his hand inside his jacket and says in a quiet voice "i don't want you to make a fuss, but this is a hold up and I want you to give me all the banks money". Immediately my colleague and myself go to press our panic button to alert the police and our security. The guy saw us both and said "oh don't panic, i'm only joking". Now I can take a joke. Infact i'm quite the joker myself but that was not funny. Another customer commented on how the colour from my collagues face was drained. Bhanu, still quite startled continued to serve the guy and throughout the transaction he kept saying "i'm glad you're not as serious as her (indicating me), it was only a joke". Eventhough I was serving my own customer, i interupted and told the guy that it was very serious and not something you joke about. This kind of joke wouldn't be funny, even if it was a well known customer nevermind a random dodgy looking person we've never seen before.
After we worked the queue, I had a chat with Bhanu. She described how she felt and I felt exactly the same. A "tom and jerry" moment. When your heart plumets down to the floor and back up to your throat.

So thats that! Please never go into a bank and pretend you're going to rob it. It's not big, it's not funny. It's stupidity.

P.s My thumb still hurts!

This is a hold up

These are not words you want to here when you are a bank teller. Today, i heard these words. Will update later.

Picture round up

Im at work on my lunch break. Its still wild outside. Not raining, just cold and windy. Lovely weather. Good weather for a hot Cuppa tea. Mmm. Got myself a wee lunch from the local bakery. Sausage roll, got Cuppa tea and a fruit scone. All for the bargain price of £1.40. What else is in this picture.. Well there is an exfoliating kit that i bought from boots. My skin is feeling the toll of the cold weather and my boyfriend is complaining. You know how he is perfect? Haha. The last thing in my picture is my thumb, and the reason i cant type much on my phone just now. I jammed it hard in my steel drawers in work. I work in a bank, so the drawers are very robust. I Couldnt open them so i was yanking them.. Finally managed to open it, but as i was going so fast, banged then shut. On my thumb, Ouch! My lunch is almost over. Sitting in this depressing little staff room thinking of better times to come. Woohoo. Only 2 more work days after today.
Love, Lana xx

A beautiful Sunday..

May not look like much, but this made me smile from ear to ear today. My boy and I decide to go a road trip. We were also going to go forrest walking but as you can see - it's a bit too wet for that (and he is opposed to wellie boots). So we fill the car (which will now be referred to as Usu) up and he drives off.
First stop is braehead. It's my "sister in laws" 30th birthday next week and we wanted to get a few bits n bobs to add to her main present. I'm not much of a shopper, in fact, I would gladly stay out of shopping malls for the rest of my life. I know, not your typical woman. I'd much rather be shopping behind my computer screen, warm n cosy, not getting pushed and shoved by people with body odour. As you can imagine, my boy is very pleased i'm not a keen shopper. He is very bang bang bang. In and out. Which suited me. I did want to look for a new coat, but what the hell, i'll check another time.

Heading out of braehead, I took control of Usu. 9 years driving experience - she loves it. Head back home and took a turn on the Erskine bridge. We really wanted to just drive on random roads and go wherever they took us. Quite liberating. We were yapping away about random nonsense and the time just flew by! Before we knew it, we were in Stirling! Stirling is a place that neither PK or I have visited before. We never really got to experience it today, but we'll go back another day. It was a very beautiful drive there.
The weather was so blustery. I love driving in the rain. Love driving through puddles!

Sundays are going to be our road trip day. We didn't get to take any pictures today because of the weather, but we shall be taking loads in the future for viewing delight. Our plans is to get up early, make a wee packed lunch and just drive with the wind. Go with the flow. Have conversation, giggles and make memories. Loving relaxing sundays. Loving making plans.

So, we're at his house just now. His mum and dad are a little... tipsy? They're yapping away alot of nonsense and making me laugh. That'll be me next week - or maybe i'll just fall asleep? I'm not the most amusing person with a drink! Haha

Here's a bit of randomness - I can't stop eating! I'm not a huge eater. I like my food but I generally get full up quite quickly. Past couple of days, my stomach has been like a bottomless pitt! I can't get enough! I hope this doesn't last long or else i'm going to have to spend every waking minute in the gym!

Girls Vs Boys

I said to my boy i'd be ready for 12. Its 12:15 and he isn't even ready!

Honestly! What is it with guys these days? Gotta moisturise and mousse their hair up. Man.

Maybe its that us girls have had more experience and know how to do it all quicker?

So anyway, I sit here. Patiently waiting. Haha

(it's pouring outside. woohoo! Bring on the thunder!!)

How can you describe?

Love.

How does it happen? What a wonderful feeling it is to love and to be loved too.

How can one describe what being in love feels like to someone who has never exerienced it?

Imagine a 1000 piece jigsaw. You've spent days putting it together only to find there is a piece missing.

Love is, the final piece of jigsaw.

I love love. I love being in love. I love my love xx

And the blogging journey begins

I sit here, wrapped up in a big duvet and a hot mug of tea at hand collecting my thoughts to put to blog.

My thoughts are not as free flowing as they used to be, but the more I blog the easier it will get. Forgive me if the first few are scambled and difficult to understand. The main point is that I understand when I re-read.

Tonight, at midnight was the end of a friendship. One I cared alot for. I met GH through my good friend GC. They started dating a year ago and he was soo eager for us to be friends. Anyway, it happened. All very quickly, she became one of my best friends. I've never had a friendship that was so speedy, but in reflection, its because of the type of person she is. She is very in your face and very involved. It didn't really bother me for the most part. GC has been my friend for a good 6 years and I care alot for him. He was being trampled on by GH and his emotions crushed and suffocated. He opened up to me through a messaging service whilst his other half was at work. He simply explained how she had been treating him behind closed doors and asked if I felt he was being unreasonable with his feelings. I told him the truth - that I didn't think he was being unreasonable. That infact I think he had been very patient with her. Anyway, months down the line GH reads up on GCs chat history (she isn't a very trusting person) and sees our conversation. To cut the story down - she and him are "fine"now. Two weeks have passed and there is no sign of our friendship being salvaged. I am generally a very stubborn person, so I made no effort to "make up" because I don't feel I was wrong. Neither does her other half, but he's not getting involved, which I respect - he has to live with her! I decided to be the adult and make contact, just to lighten the mood by sending a joke via sms. No reply. I leave it a week and send what would be my final sms to her. I gave her the opportunity to contact me within a 24 hour period if she wanted our friendship returned.. I got nothing. Nothing, nada. So thats it. Over with. Shame. Coz we shared alot. I'm not going to let her trample over my heart like she does with GC. She has met her match with me. I'm pretty sure this won't be the last blog about this situation though. So watch this space.

Anyway. I've had quite the chilled out day today. Not feeling too wonderful - girl problems and all that. But I decided to go out a jog to clear my head and get a bit of exercise. It worked. Didn't get to run for too long but what I did was enough to make me feel accomplished. Felt like I needed a bit of cheering up so got a wee haircut. When I say wee, i mean wee - you can hardly notice a difference. Oh well at least it looks tidier.

For most of the day, I spent time online. Signing up to this and chatting to my bf (let me introduce him - "PK"). Couldn't wait for 8 so I could collect him from work and have our routine x factor saturday night! He finished work, and allthough i'd been talking to him all day, I missed him and couldn't wait for a kiss and cuddle. Had a nice wee night with him and ended up snuggling up in bed. Now this is when I get most uncomfortable and well, pissed off. His dad comes into the room (generally a really nice gentleman) to tell PK the time. The time!! Basically its his way of telling me to get lost. I can appreciate where he is coming from though and understand why he is doing it. It just makes me really impatient to get our own place. If only I could afford it now - i'd be out of where I am right now in a shot. PK would be living with me too. We wouldn't have to deal with anyone. We could walk around the house naked if we wanted to, not worry about leaving things on the floor and a dirty dining table. We could be us. Living at out pace and doing as WE want. Let me tell you one thing for sure - when the time comes we do get our own place. It will be OURS. No one is going to dictate but us.. and we're not leaving the house, for a least a month haha!

So well, thats that for now. Mug of tea has finished.

LM xx

View from largs

Breathtaking

First Post

Quite a few things going on in my head right now. I remembered when I used to blog, it made me feel better. Somehow putting something into black and white helped me understand what was going on better. Don't know how exacty, but it worked so won't question it! I also enjoy reading back to my old blogs.. so this is history in the making.

I'm not going to ramble today. Just excited to have a venting place again.

L xx