depressed

De - pressed -adjective 1. sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast.

I feel its a total cheek for me to even think i'm depressed, but I can't help but think this way. I am feeling really low. Nothing in my life is going as i'd like. Its the truth, I want everything in my life to change. I dont have energy for any of it.

I should probably accept help offered by my doctor, but
1. I dont want to believe I need help
2. I feel others need it more than me
3. I dont really see what talking or medication can do for me, apart from making it worse.

I think I need a bit of sunlight. I might actually go for a sunbed - it has bright lights that make you feel better. Plus it might help my skin (the acne), which is upsetting me. I know sunbeds are dangerous, but i'm not going to use them excessively. I can't afford to!

There are times I just want to talk, talk talk and then others I want to be quiet and still. I never get what I want though. When I want to talk, no-one wants to talk. When I want to be quiet, everyone talks! It must be me! Whats wrong with me?

..well. Whata numpty I am.

Tonight Me and P head to glasgow ready for our film. I park my car in the parking lot and get my purse open so I can take my unlimited card out only to realise I left it in the pocket of my jeans I wore last time!! Damnit!!

We go in and I tell the girl, but she says they keep no records so I have to pay. £6.50!! What an idiot I am. TO make things worse the film wasn't all that. It had a reallybad ending. I guess the good points where the snuggles Paul gave me when he got scared haha.

Oh, the chinese food was amazing. Had it at 8pm. Its 3:30am now I'm really hungry. I'll wait until morning though. Only because I have no food to eat!

On the way home, it was snowing. Heavy. I hope I wake up to a blanket of white snow. That would be awesome. Had a nice close time with my boy tonight. Feeling the love

Let the good times roll

xx

Cineworld

Paul and I bought a membership to cineworld. Which, for £11.99 a month gives us unlimited viewings.

So far (in the past 10 days) we've seen

James Bond - Quantum of Solace
Max Payne
Zac and Miri Makea Porno
Pride and Glory
My Best Friends Girl

Not one film has been a disappointment.We've had such a good time there. We are going to the HUGE cinema in Glasgow, which I had never visited before I got the membership. I am very impressed. Very comfortable seats and huge screens. (toilets are nice and clean too - hey! if you need to go, you wanna go somewhere thats clean, right!?)

This evening, after we have a chinese and catch the tail end of X Factor, we're thinking of going to see Quarantine. Its a horror. So, that means I get extra snuggles haha!

Anyway, I'm off to get the chinese food now

xx

Coffee

Really fancy a coffee. Long conversations and relaxation. Coffee socks man.

H is for ...

Come home tonight to a sombre and hollow looking V. He's not been having a great time lately and I believe he needs professional help. He doesn't seem to want help. I think he'd happily leave this world right now. This scares me and upsets me at the same time. He is like this because of me. We used to be best friends. He has always been unwell, but in the past (i see this now), he lived his life through mine. He didn't have a life, no family or friends. No one, but me. Anything I did, he got involved in, even if its just because I told him about it - he felt involved. I consulted him for most decisions, which I guess made him feel in control.

These days I'm living my life for me. I may be being selfish, but its been far too long. I'm still young and I need to make my own decisions, make my own choices and even my own mistakes. I'm barely speaking to V nevermind involving him in anything in my life. I feel bad that I've gone to this major extreme, but I feel there was no other way. He was trying to decide my future for me, in an arrogant and aggressive manner. It's not on. I am my own person but for 10 years I lived my life through him and he lived his life through me - its unhealthy. We both need to be individuals. I guess that's the problem for carers around the world. Its far too easy to get overly involved in that persons life. I need to live my life for myself and that what I've been doing. Nevertheless i do not want to see him suffer. I want him to get help but he isn't having it. I don't know how to enforce it, because he has no quality of life right now at all.

I'm watching him right now, bleary eyed from a combination of insomnia and medication. He's smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee. He has no one to talk to but me. He is lonely and sad. He's lost his best friend.

I feel bad for him but I have to be selfish and think of myself for once. I just wish he would accept help from professionals. I wish he would accept that he is disabled!