Come home tonight to a sombre and hollow looking V. He's not been having a great time lately and I believe he needs professional help. He doesn't seem to want help. I think he'd happily leave this world right now. This scares me and upsets me at the same time. He is like this because of me. We used to be best friends. He has always been unwell, but in the past (i see this now), he lived his life through mine. He didn't have a life, no family or friends. No one, but me. Anything I did, he got involved in, even if its just because I told him about it - he felt involved. I consulted him for most decisions, which I guess made him feel in control.
These days I'm living my life for me. I may be being selfish, but its been far too long. I'm still young and I need to make my own decisions, make my own choices and even my own mistakes. I'm barely speaking to V nevermind involving him in anything in my life. I feel bad that I've gone to this major extreme, but I feel there was no other way. He was trying to decide my future for me, in an arrogant and aggressive manner. It's not on. I am my own person but for 10 years I lived my life through him and he lived his life through me - its unhealthy. We both need to be individuals. I guess that's the problem for carers around the world. Its far too easy to get overly involved in that persons life. I need to live my life for myself and that what I've been doing. Nevertheless i do not want to see him suffer. I want him to get help but he isn't having it. I don't know how to enforce it, because he has no quality of life right now at all.
I'm watching him right now, bleary eyed from a combination of insomnia and medication. He's smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee. He has no one to talk to but me. He is lonely and sad. He's lost his best friend.
I feel bad for him but I have to be selfish and think of myself for once. I just wish he would accept help from professionals. I wish he would accept that he is disabled!
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